Everyday Life: 2014

So first I'm so glad that my husband is not only my super awesome husband but also one of my best friends and that I can open up and talk to him about my feelings and he always has my back.

I've been trying to work on my mental health, to start loving myself more and not being my own bully. I'm also kinda tired of trying to make other people happy over making myself happy. I have a problem telling people no and doing things b/c I don't want to hurt someones feelings. I could list so many times I have done something I didn't want to do but did it any way to make someone else happy. Well, I'm on a mission. No More! No more going a long with things that I don't want, no more pushing my feelings and wants a side.

I expressed a lot of this to my husband last night b/c it has been on my mind so much that I wasn't able to sleep at night. I hate disappointing people but after talking to John last night, he told me that he isn't disappointed in me and I have to do what makes me happy and not worry so much about everyone else. If anyone is disappointed and doesn't like my choices then they can take a step out of MY LIFE.

I also tried to explain how I'm restless and there is something inside of me that needs to get out, I know that sounds weird but I'm not sure how else to explain it. I have felt like this for many years and instead of trying to figure out how to release it, I always tried to bury it under something else. One of the major things I tried to bury it under was religion. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't believe in God, what I'm saying is that religion has only made it worse and me more unhappy. I can't put God and my faith in a box it doesn't fit in like most people can. I also can't pretend to believe in things I really don't believe in. I have tried and tried and I can't do it anymore b/c it is making life to hard. I love the people I have met and the friendships I have made and hopefully this wont affect the friendship but you are you and I am me, I can't be something I'm not and I can't pretend to feel something I don't. I like to consider myself a honest person but I have come to realize that I'm not as honest as I should be, that I tell the truth but not the whole truth b/c it is hard for me to open up to people. Writing or typing in this case, helps me get my thoughts together and easier to say what needs to be said. It is easier to put it down like this then have someone staring at me. Also there are no interruptions and you can read this, take it in and respect my feelings and leave it at that.