Self Love

So first I'm so glad that my husband is not only my super awesome husband but also one of my best friends and that I can open up and talk to him about my feelings and he always has my back.

I've been trying to work on my mental health, to start loving myself more and not being my own bully. I'm also kinda tired of trying to make other people happy over making myself happy. I have a problem telling people no and doing things b/c I don't want to hurt someones feelings. I could list so many times I have done something I didn't want to do but did it any way to make someone else happy. Well, I'm on a mission. No More! No more going a long with things that I don't want, no more pushing my feelings and wants a side.

I expressed a lot of this to my husband last night b/c it has been on my mind so much that I wasn't able to sleep at night. I hate disappointing people but after talking to John last night, he told me that he isn't disappointed in me and I have to do what makes me happy and not worry so much about everyone else. If anyone is disappointed and doesn't like my choices then they can take a step out of MY LIFE.

I also tried to explain how I'm restless and there is something inside of me that needs to get out, I know that sounds weird but I'm not sure how else to explain it. I have felt like this for many years and instead of trying to figure out how to release it, I always tried to bury it under something else. One of the major things I tried to bury it under was religion. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't believe in God, what I'm saying is that religion has only made it worse and me more unhappy. I can't put God and my faith in a box it doesn't fit in like most people can. I also can't pretend to believe in things I really don't believe in. I have tried and tried and I can't do it anymore b/c it is making life to hard. I love the people I have met and the friendships I have made and hopefully this wont affect the friendship but you are you and I am me, I can't be something I'm not and I can't pretend to feel something I don't. I like to consider myself a honest person but I have come to realize that I'm not as honest as I should be, that I tell the truth but not the whole truth b/c it is hard for me to open up to people. Writing or typing in this case, helps me get my thoughts together and easier to say what needs to be said. It is easier to put it down like this then have someone staring at me. Also there are no interruptions and you can read this, take it in and respect my feelings and leave it at that.

365 Grateful: Day 4

It is always fun to get a little mad at a tea party.

"Why is a raven like a writing-desk?"

365 Grateful: Day 3

This face, I love this face. After two miscarriages and feeling so broken, I was ready to give up. Then I became pregnant. I was so paranoid the whole pregnancy until he became active. It was such a blessing to be kept up all night by his movements, just to know he was still there

365 Grateful: Day 2

He was my gift from God, I was young and felt unprepared but

he changed my life when I needed it the most.

He saved my life.

 

365 Grateful: Day 1

I am so grateful for this sweet and beautiful little girl.

She is my sunshine.

365 grateful

Neck hugs and butterfly kisses.

So Devyn runs up and jumps in my lap and gives me a hug around the neck, neck hugs are my all time favorite. They just make you feel so loved and warm and fuzzy. ;) A thought hits me; I just turned 29 and right around the corner all 3 of my kids will be celebrating birthdays soon. Jace will be 9, EJ: 5 and Devyn: 3. Where has time gone and why does it keep moving so quickly. It makes me sad and happy all at the same time. Sad that one day my kids will be to old for neck hugs and butterfly kisses but I also love watching them grow but if you would have told me 11 years ago that I would have 2 handsome boys that light up my life and a beautiful little girl who would be my best friend, I probably would have laughed. It is amazing how your life can turn out completely different from what you may have imagined when you were 18 yrs. old.

 My life is way better then I could ever imagined  at 18 I was a selfish teenager. I thought marriage was a joke and kids were not something I wanted but I became pregnant at 19 and my world turned upside down but I would do it all over again just to make sure I got my Jace. I feel so blessed to be married to my husband and that I met him young and didn't have to wait forever to meet my ever after. Our children are my whole world and I can't imagine a life with out them. Yes, I get stressed and they can all drive me a little crazy sometimes but I will take all the craziness and more to have them in my life. Not sure why this has all come rushing forward, it could be the timing or that amazing neck hug I just got but either way it is a good thing. It reminds me to slow down and enjoy the small beautiful moments with my kids because one day they wont be so open and innocent. To take a deep breath when I'm becoming frustrated and talk kindly to them and also listen to what they have to say, they may be kids but their voices deserve to be heard. My goals have changed constantly through my life but the  goals that are on the top of my list and will always be, are to be the best mom and wife I can be and for my kids to feel that I am the best Mom. Jace always tells me I'm the best mom and every time he says it, it makes me feel so great, it reminds me that I may not always feel like the best mom but him saying it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing my goals.

I don't think I ever really understood unconditional love until the day John placed our first born in my arms, no words can describe the feelings that come when you hold your child for the first time and I was lucky enough to experience those wonderful feelings three times.